We at MetroFanatic are known for our dedication to pants. So when Ali Curtis made a prominent mention of his pants on last night's broadcast, we couldn't stand still. Since Mr. Curtis has not been able to grant us a requested interview, we did one better: we interviewed his pants.

MetroFanatic: Dear pants, thank you so much for joining us.
Ali's Pants: It's a pleasure. Big fans of your website.

MF: That's wonderful to hear! You know, you are not the first pants we had the pleasure of covering.
Pants: We are not?

MF: No! A few years ago, we delved into the pants of Paul Grafer.
Pants: Who is Paul Grafer?

MF: He was a backup goalkeeper for the MetroStars from 2000 to 2003.
Pants: Oh. We only started to follow the team during the Red Bull era. We were only made two years ago, you know. We haven't had the time or desire to read up on history.

MF: That's understandable. Can you tell us a little about yourself?
Pants: We were born in Cambodia, at the hands of young girl, Phan Botum. See this exquisite stitching? That's her job.

MF: Yes, that's quite... nice.
Pants: We were then packaged in a big brown box and sent to America, where we were placed on display at a Brooks Brothers outlet. There, we were spotted by Mr. Curtis. He examined all data points and determined we were "the right fit". Mr. Curtis purchased us using his MasterCard. We were packaged in a nice bag and taken home, where he put us on for the first time. What a thrill that was!

MF: Quite a journey, from Cambodia to New Jersey!
Pants: You tell us. And who better to serve than one of the most powerful men in American soccer, Mr. Curtis!

MF: But it wasn't all fun and games from there...
Pants: Oh, it was at first! Mr. Curtis took us everywhere. Picnics, wine tastings, auctions, job interviews... In fact, he had us on when he got the Red Bull job!

MF: You don't say!
Pants: Unfortunately, it didn't last...

MF: It never does.
Pants: Last weekend, when the Red Bulls were playing the Vancouver Whitecaps... (sob) We're sorry, this is just too much!

MF: I know it's difficult, but please go on. Our readers need to hear this.
Pants: (sob) Mr. Curtis sat down, and, and... We split! Right down the middle!

MF: The horror!
Pants: It was awful. It was humiliating.

MF: Yet here you are, trying to move on.
Pants: Our time with Mr. Curtis has sadly passed, but we are thinking of moving in a new direction. Red Bull Arena has an opening for dishwashing rags. We're thinking of applying.

MF: Final question, dear pants. What was your most embarrassing moment?
Pants: Being split by Ali Curtis.