Metro comeback ruins Atlanta opener, 2:1
March 5, 2017

Atlanta New York
Asad Royer
03.05.17 · League

On October 29, 2005, at 9:30 PM Eastern, I got sucked into a time vortex. Don't ask me how it happened; one moment, I was sitting on my couch, enjoying the MetroStars' 2:0 aggregate lead on New England and the pending playoff victory that was due to follow; another moment, I was unstuck in time.

I'm not sure how much time passed for me in the vortex (that's kinda the point of time vortexes), but it spat me back down today, March 5, 2017, at 7:30 PM Eastern. Eleven and a half years gone! Family and friends were somewhat happy to see me return. I told them to hold the hugs; I had to watch my MetroStars. And what do you know, they were on!

It took me a while to adjust to the new MLS; apparently, Atlanta got a team. Don't they know that it's a crappy sports town? They are bound to play in an empty stadium, like the Kansas City Wizards! They got a good crowd for the opener, though. I guess that was nice. The new team's name is Atlanta United FC. My god, one United wasn't enough? And FC? Talk about pretentious nonsense! What's next, Sporting San Diego? Oklahoma City City? Houston Dynamo? What a joke!

I haven't heard about many of the players, but two names and faces I immediately recognized: Jesse Marsch and Chris Armas. The blood started to boil immediately. Oh, how I hated them when they were playing for Chicago! Now they are coaching. I still feel the hate!

In the 25th minute, the goal finally came. The guys in the red and black were up! As I stood up to let out a yell, 11 years in the making, my family members told me to shut up. The nerve of them! I've been away for so long, I can't even enjoy the game? Take me back into the time vortex, if that's how you're gonna treat me.

The guys with the logo for Red Bull energy drink (I heard it's made from bulls' testicles. Ha, ha!) came back. In the 76th minute, some blond guy named Daniel Royer got his head on a corner kick by former Seton Hall player Sacha Kljestan. In the 82nd, a nifty pass from another blond guy, Mike Grella, led to what looked like a goal from Bradley Wright(-Phillips). (I have heard of his father, Ian Wright! He was a top scorer for Arsenal (a team in England), until Thierry Henry came along. I wonder what happened to that guy... Perhaps the MetroStars need to look into signing Ian's other son, Shaun. He is a pretty good player and can contribute to this team.) It was counted as an own goal, however.

The game ended with the guys in red and black losing, 2:1. I was disappointed, but then my family members explained to me... It's still very hard to comprehend, and will take me some time...

Next thing they're gonna tell me is that this country is run by a megalomaniac fascist ex-game show host with a history of sexual harassment. Ridiculous!

Lineup: Robles, Lawrence, Long, Perrinelle, Zizzo, Martins, Davis, Kljestan, Royer, Muyl, Wright-Phillips. Subs: Grella, Etienne.

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