4:0 New York NY City Romero Gamarra Valot Wright-Phillips Etienne 05.05.18 · League

Greetings, Metro fans! My name is Zzxzk-517, and I come from the star system of Tau Ceti. Tau Ceti: home of the fourth-best soft-serve ice cream in the universe!

I had a great time attending your match against a team of clowns called New York "City FC"! Your team put on a fantastic performance! Can you please explain why the other team was so lame? On my planet, half of that team would be sent to the mines after a game like this. We take our sports seriously.

Anyhoo, I decided to purchase a delicious mixture of horse rectum and pig intestine called a "hot dog", and missed the first four minutes of the game! It turned out to be a big mistake, as I missed two goals! First, barely a minute in, Alejandro Sebastian "Kaku" "Little Obama" Romero Gamarra scored on a rebound of a Bradley Wright-Phillips shot. Then, "Kaku" "Little Obama" found Florian Valot, whose shot rebounded off a defender and into the net. Someone told me that "City FC" goalkeeper Sean Johnson is being considered for the national team? On my planet, he would only be considered for the wall of shame, where we hang our worst performers to dry in the hot sun.

After getting another "hot dog", I settled in my seat, and witnessed another goal, this time by Wright-Phillips, who uses hid head to score from a pass from "Kaku" "Little Obama". I truly enjoyed the shape of Wright-Phillips' head, as it matches all residents of my planet. This "hair" thing most of your other people have is truly an abomination.

Then, I witnessed an idiotic decision from a "referee" named Kevin Stott, who I am told is one of the worst "referees" of your planet. Why does he keep his job? On my planet, he would be demoted to janitorial work. On your planet, he missed a blatant hand ball. Soon after that, the halftime whistle rang, and I quickly got up to buy seven more "hot dogs".

I spent most of the second half in a "hot-dog"-induced coma, but I'm told not much happened, as New York "City FC" had given up in front of such Metro superiority. I woke up late to see Derrick Etienne "Junior" score after being put through by Valot. The final result was 4:0!

So, overall, a fantastic experience! Just explain one thing to me: your team is in its 23rd year. New York "City FC" is in its fourth. Where were their fans 23-4=19 years? Crying that Major League Soccer is lame? Being afraid to travel to New Jersey? Well, I love traveling to New Jersey! Its beautiful swamps remind me of home!

Thanks for your hospitality and make sure to call me up when you visit Tau Ceti!

Lineup: Robles, Lawrence, Long, Parker, Murillo, Adams, Davis, Valot, Royer, Romero Gamarra, Wright-Phillips. Subs: Etienne, Muyl, Bezecourt.