2:3 New York Columbus White Royer Argudo Santos 2 07.27.19 · League

Hey, Papa Red Bull? Yes, you, in your Austrian ivory tower! Hello there! Can you hear us? No? What if we shout louder? PAPA RED BULL! HELLO! HELLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOO!

Yeah, we didn't think so. We have a team here, Papa Red Bull. A team that you own. A team that wears your disgusting logo on its shirt. No, it's not your team in Salzburg, or in Leipzig, but it's still your team.

How is that team in Leipzig doing? Enjoying its terrific defensive midfielder that you got from us for a pittance? Good deal that was, robbing Peter to pay Paul!

And how is that team in Salzburg? Excited to play for its new head coach, a coach...

You know, it doesn't matter. You can't hear us anyway. So let's just write this game summary, in which your bastard middle child lost at home to a last-place team, 3:2. We know you don't care. We, sadly, do.

Chris Armas made only one change from last week, inserting Marc Rzatkowski for the injured Cristian Casseres. The teams exchanged goals within one minute. In the 15th, Rzatkowski pounced on a loose ball and sent it to Brian White. The forward split the defense and looped a header into the net. Moments later, a long ball saw Gyasi Zardes race into acres of open space. Aaron Long too him wide, but the ball was laid off to the unmarked Luis Argudo, who tied the game.

As the second half started, Metro attacked, lost the ball, Columbus went the other way and unmarked (there is a trend here) Pedro Santos scored. That seemed to wake Metro up, as they continued to control the game, and earned a VAR-aided penalty kick in the 63rd after Daniel Royer was pushed in the box on a corner. Royer slammed home from the spot to tie the game.

Metro continued to push, until the 84th, when another defensive breakdown saw Luis Robles make a save, only for the ball to land at the feet of an unmarked (there is a trend!!!) Santos, who scored his second. And that was it.

This team is hurting, Papa Red Bull. But you couldn't give a rat's behind. HELLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Lineup: Robles, Tarek, Long, Parker, Murillo, Davis, Rzatkowski, Etienne, Royer, Romero Gamarra, White. Subs: Lawrence, Ivan, Wright-Phillips.